Do you remember the first time you fell out of love with someone? Did it happen gradually, before you even realized what was happening? Or was it immediate, like ripping off a Band-Aid? Did it make you want to cry, or curl in a ball? Or maybe it was a relief that the hurt was gone? People are not wounds, nor homes. You can’t pour yourself in them and hope to find happiness inside of it.
How do you forgive someone who isn’t sorry? Forgiveness, after all, is a selfish endeavor. It is saying “I will no longer hold on to the bitterness and in this I release any power you have over my emotions.” This isn’t always about letting them back into your space, but rather having the ability to let them go, while being okay with that. Not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever.
Now tell me, how do you forgive someone who has spent your whole life treating you like an inconvenience? How do you learn to let go of that anger that has become so embedded into your very DNA, without also tearing yourself apart? Is it possible to strip down these strands to single nucleotides and remove the ones that don’t suit the person you wish to be?
I want to live a life of my own accord, but your contribution to my existence is something that holds me back. It is a bitterness that grips my heart in an icy grasp. It is an anger that shatters against the wall. It is a voice that seeks comfort in loud contrast. It is holding on to someone who treats me poorly, because how could I ever know anything different from the example you set?
Forgiving you will be an act of rebellion against my own heart, because I no longer wish for my driving force to be the anger that has built up inside. I want a heart filled with happiness and content. I want to let someone in that has the desire to be by my side. No longer do I wish to hold on to someone out of love. It must have mutual respect and equal effort for me to stay.
I may forgive you and drop the topic, but that doesn’t mean I want you back in my life. I’ve come to see, that once something has been broken, it can be impossible to piece back together. The cracks will always be there and it will never be the way it used to be. Perhaps that is for the best, and we learn to live with it.
In this I have learned that you reach an age when you realize each and every person has a different perspective on life. They are looking at the world with a different set of eyes and see things in ways you couldn’t possibly fathom. People are changing every second of every day. So how can we judge them based on how they respond to the world around them? This is why, in order to heal, we must learn how to forgive. Accepting that, as human beings we are all flawed and make mistakes, hurting people we once cared about. Letting go of the ones that no longer serve to help us develop as people is how we keep growing.
Love isn’t just smiles and laughter, its the tears and pain as well. Love is forgiveness and togetherness. It’s committing to a better tomorrow, even in the face of chaos. It’s staying, even in the most trying of times. Love isn’t always simple, but it is always willing to try.
I have a hard time remembering the me before there was an us. Becoming so intertwined with each other, it’s as if we no longer exist as individuals. If there was a different version of my that once walked this Earth, she is a distant memory scattered through the memories of everyone who had the misfortune of meeting her. She was rougher than the me now, broken in places she wasn’t sure how to fix. The jagged edges caused problems in her relationships. But you were able to withstand them. You worked out the sharp corners. Maybe the pieces couldn’t all be fixed, but you found a way around them. And now here we are, the shadow of what we once were just a distant memory.
I hope my words linger long enough, for you to remember what we meant to each other. Not to make your heart heavy, rather a little lighter on the days it seems to be weighing you down.
There are plenty of people I miss. Most of which I would never tell. Maybe it’s my pride, or maybe it’s the idea that they have been fine without me so far. And you? You, I miss the most.
You deserve more than whiskey fueled dreams and clumsy kisses. More than someone who can’t make up her mind. You deserve cotton candy filled skies and moonlit nights. You deserve promises made with a tongue grazing your lips. You deserve wedding bells and diamond rings. You deserve a life filled with laughter and happiness. You deserve more than I can give you.
She comes to me in the dead night, while I slumber. “I love you.” slips for her mouth, exactly how I remembered it. This time I can spot the frayed ends all over the words. The punctuation so firm at the end of the sentence, I see the ending she began. Her love wasn’t meant to last a lifetime, perhaps mine wouldn’t have either. She will learn to move on, while I’m left to analyze the dreams from the time it all started to fall apart. Finding each small moment she started to slip away from me, one sentence at a time.
She said my I love you’s sound more like apologies, for not knowing how to hold on to another human being, long before I was gone. And that I always seemed like I had one foot out the door, ready to run at the first sign of trouble. I was never taught how to love without contingencies and trust was just a fantasy. To protect my heart, I learned how to say goodbye as quickly as I said hello. In my world people were temporary and you shouldn’t hold on to anything so tightly. But then you stayed and you wrapped your arm so tightly around me, I couldn’t flee. You always had a part of your body touching mine, as if to quell the doubts in my mind. Every time I tried to flee, you grabbed my hand and pulled me back. You taught me how to stay. This time I won’t run, because you are the only place I know where to run to.
I lost my passion, beneath these dark clouds. It avoids me in my searches. Life seems so empty without it. I think I left it inside of you. You must have taken it when you left me. I didn’t find it in the box of stuff you returned. Now I don’t have either of you.