Casey’s Journal Part 8

December 4, 2014

It’s been a few weeks now. Things are starting to improve, I think. I don’t spend every night crying on your empty pillow. Every once in a while I have a day free of tears.

Most of our friends have learned about our breakup. For this I am thankful, they don’t bring you up when I ‘m around. They all look at me as if I’m fragile, and at the moment your name leaves their mouth, I might shatter. They aren’t wrong.

I know this is what we needed. It wasn’t working anymore, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. We had built a life together; I haven’t pictured a future without you, in three years. We had said we were going to get married, have a couple of kids. What happened to us?

I know what happened to us. After all, I lived it.

I’ve been trying to pinpoint the exact moment it started to fall apart. Was it the night we had our first big fight? Your mom wanted you to spend Christmas with the family. You hadn’t seen them in years. I know I was being selfish, but I wanted to spend the holidays with the person I was in love with, and we both knew I wasn’t welcomed there.

We had been together for a little over two years then, and we had spent those last two Christmas’s with my family. They loved you as much as they loved me, and I wished your family could have done the same with me.

Or was it when I picked a fight with you a month later. I accused you of flirting with the waitress, at the restaurant we had our first date in. I see now you were acting the way you always acted. I had never gotten this jealous before, but then again you stopped making me feel like I was the only one you had eyes for.

It goes on from there. I’ve been analyzing every fight after that. They started to get more frequent and more vicious. Every day turned into us pushing each other away more, and more.

We were both equally to blame, our pride starting becoming more important to us than keeping our love alive. We both wanted to win, to be right. I’m starting to think we were both wrong.

I doesn’t really matter how it fell apart at this point, all that matters is that it’s over. You’re not here, and I’m alone. Days are passing without me being aware of the time, and I’m not sure where to go from here.

To be continued…

Casey’s Journal Part 6

November 26, 2014

Today, I am angry at you. I’m so mad at how we ended things. Maybe if you didn’t say the words that day, we could have worked it out. Why did you have to give up hope?! Staying together would have taken a lot of effort, but we had plans. You shatter those plans in one instant and now I’m left here grieving a lover that isn’t dead, just gone.

I thought you were braver than me because you had the courage to end it, but I’m not really sure that was brave anymore. We had plans, a life together. You ruined that and convinced me it was for the best. Is this really the best? I’m left here alone crying in my new apartment still haunted by our memories. Living without you seems impossible. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy again. I built my happiness in you, when you walked away you took it with you and I hate you for that.

Casey’s Journal Part 5

November 21, 2014

Today is the first Friday night without you. We had plans to go to a bar with our friends, or are they your friends? I don’t even remember anymore. What happens to friends during a breakup? Do we split them up? I’m at a complete loss of what to do.

I’ve been trying to figure out if I should go along with the plans. I have a fear that we both will show up there, and I won’t be able to keep myself from falling apart in front of you. These wounds are too fresh for me to be okay around you. Hell, I’m not even sure I would be able to hold it together in front of our friends.

Do they know we broke up? I haven’t really told anyone yet. The last thing I need is the pity that is sure to come along with that. Everyone knows how weak I am. You were always the strong one, keeping me together. Now, I’m liable to fall apart at a moment’s notice.

I should probably just stay home. No one wants to be around a person who can’t keep it together, especially, when they are trying to just have fun.

I’ll just send Macy a text and tell her I can’t make it.

To be continued…

Casey’s Journal Part 4

November 19, 2014

The next few days were a constant reminder of the split. The first day back to work, a co-worker asked about you. I held my tears in as I told him we had decided to take a break. He followed with a sincere apologize; all I wanted was for him to stop talking.

I didn’t need or want anyone’s apologizes, I wanted to forget you. I don’t mean I wanted to evacuate all the memories we had together, no I wanted to keep those. What I needed was to stop visualizing you in my future.

The little things, liking picking a restaurant or a movie to watch, had always been a balancing act of both our likes and dislikes. Three years had created habits, I wasn’t sure I could break. My past had been filled with actions beside you; it wasn’t easy to erase you from my planning. But you aren’t here, and I guess I should now do the things you always hated.

Every time I wanted to go out to eat, I always thought about where you liked to go. How we would never get Chinese food, because you didn’t like it. I loved Chinese food and I haven’t had it in three years because of you.

Or choosing a movie, I thought how you didn’t like comedies, so they were out of the question. I didn’t see that big summer hit last year, because you thought it look dumb and didn’t want to waste money sitting through something you didn’t enjoy.

That’s when I decided what my next Friday night would be. I order my favorite dish from the Chinese place down the street. I went to Redbox after work, and got that summer hit I missed out on. I sat there, laughing, and eating the food I missed out on for three years. By the end of the movie, I started crying. I’m not sure why. Maybe it was because I missed you, but I was finding myself in your absence.

I got food poisoning from the food I ordered.  At first, I thought about how it could have been avoided if we had figured out a way to works things out. But I pushed these thoughts as far out of my mind as I could. These things happen in life, kind of how break ups happen. I don’t think missing you is going to get much easier anytime soon.

To be continued..