What do you call the space that grows between two people? The space that starts off as unnoticeable, but with time can grow into a canyon? And what can you find in this space other than time and distance? Is it always filled with hatred and bitterness, or does it also have doses of indifference? How does this space become so wide, that times seems to passed with a blink of the eye and you have been without them longer than you ever spent next to them? How can some people be so important to you in one part of your life, and not even a speck in your existence in the next? Is this the doomed life we are force to live? Because my heart has been abused by these coming and goings and I don’t want this to get easier with time. Just tell me this distance won’t grow too big, because I can’t imagine a future without you in it, but I’m starting to sense the growing of space.
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I don’t want to let you go, my nails are digging deep into skin that seems to be slipping from my grasp. “I love you,” I say, but the words fall out of my mouth, into a puddle on the floor. You don’t even glance in my direction. Maybe I’ve said it one too many times. Maybe you had hoped I wouldn’t say it this last time.
Our life feels as though it is on a loop and I’m forced to relive the rise and fall of us over and over again. Each time around my heart gets crushed a bit more, as my love for you burrows in deeper. But if there was no hope for a future for us, why do we keep coming back for this pain?
The quiet was filled with the static of all the things we were refusing to say. Our hearts were fighting to break free of their cage, reaching for each other. We shoved them back in for another day of peace. Leaving the words to be etched into the surface of our hearts, a novel we didn’t want each other to read. We weren’t ready for the vulnerability.
I’ve heard there are two things you need to make a relationship work, timing and chemistry. We can’t blame this one on timing, because I gave you years that went to waste. How many times have promises of forever escaped my lips, while you couldn’t even commit to tomorrow? And chemistry? Did you forget that there was a time when we couldn’t keep our hands off each other? Your coded texts mixed with, “I miss you” and, “I love you” between drawn out messages and secret meeting places. So tell me, what was the thing missing to make this relationship work?