Why do you feel so inevitable to me? My mind betrays my feelings and I can’t seem to fight the desire to come back. How do I look her in the eyes and say “I lied, she still exist inside me.”
You were sad and after failing to keep the promises to yourself, you found yourself soaking in intoxicants. Decisions were easy in this state; you were driven by simple needs and desire. There was no question of whether or not you should do this; you were going to do it regardless. Despite the desire to constantly be in control, you give in. You find yourself at her door, for the first time in years. It was as if nothing had changed and you were reliving a time when this was all you wanted.
I had nothing to lose and nothing to gain. I was at war with myself. Infantry and Calvary were charging their own men. Friendly fire, destroying everything I had built. I couldn’t find silence among the guns firing off. A peace and quiet I needed so desperately, but there was war in my head.
Days pass and you are a constant resident in my thoughts. I try to escape them, but they are like waves crashing on the beach, controlled by outer forces. And when I run, I crash into neural pathways loaded with memories of you. These thoughts are flung at me, distant memories, broken promises, missing your presence, hating your absence. I have no control of their path or their silence. They are an enemy of my subconscious, scratching at the surface when my mind lay idle. I know I could fight them off if I could only bring myself a distraction, but that is only temporary and I lack the motivation.
Perhaps I have become content with my misery. It is the only place where I see you now. In an obscure recollection of what we once had. I still want you it seems, to fill my memory banks with more dynamite. More reason to cause me pain. In this pain a masochist is born. One who craves the way you break my heart. I want you to destroy me. I want you to hurt me. I want you anyway you allow me. Don’t stop until my mouth is filled with blood and my heart lay broke on the floor.
With my pain you cause your own. We are always going to care about each other, which makes the pain we cause more bitter sweet. We fight to see who can throw the lowest blow. Not because we want to hurt the other, but because we want our pain to be valid. If we feel each other’s pain, which devastates us, maybe it will all make sense. We want to find a way to understand each other, so we don’t have to be alone in our hurt. Misery loves company and our misery is just perpetuating a never ending circle of despair. One I can’t seem to escape from, at the very least at least I don’t have to be alone.
Loneliness, everyone feels it from time to time and it is what drives us to find ways to fill it. The problem is we often fill it with whatever comes along. Not because it is what we need, but rather because it fills the void as a place holder. Well I don’t want to be a place holder. I want to be the one thing that you can’t stand to lose. I want to help you grow and I want you to push me to grow. I don’t want to be stuck in a never ending cycle of pain and misery. I want to talk this out and make it work. I don’t want to be the poison in your vein and the hate in your heart, anymore.
I’m starting to think that maybe it is too late for us. We are stuck in habits that dictate how we treat each other. Maybe time and space are what we need to make this work. But time and space have done nothing but put a divide between us. What we need is an open honest conversation, where all our thoughts and feelings are laid out on the table. But this is not something you want to be a part of and I don’t blame you for those feelings. I’ve been told that memories eventually fade.