Do you remember the first time you fell out of love with someone? Did it happen gradually, before you even realized what was happening? Or was it immediate, like ripping off a Band-Aid? Did it make you want to cry, or curl in a ball? Or maybe it was a relief that the hurt was gone? People are not wounds, nor homes. You can’t pour yourself in them and hope to find happiness inside of it.
She said my I love you’s sound more like apologies, for not knowing how to hold on to another human being, long before I was gone. And that I always seemed like I had one foot out the door, ready to run at the first sign of trouble. I was never taught how to love without contingencies and trust was just a fantasy. To protect my heart, I learned how to say goodbye as quickly as I said hello. In my world people were temporary and you shouldn’t hold on to anything so tightly. But then you stayed and you wrapped your arm so tightly around me, I couldn’t flee. You always had a part of your body touching mine, as if to quell the doubts in my mind. Every time I tried to flee, you grabbed my hand and pulled me back. You taught me how to stay. This time I won’t run, because you are the only place I know where to run to.
I lost my passion, beneath these dark clouds. It avoids me in my searches. Life seems so empty without it. I think I left it inside of you. You must have taken it when you left me. I didn’t find it in the box of stuff you returned. Now I don’t have either of you.
Our life feels as though it is on a loop and I’m forced to relive the rise and fall of us over and over again. Each time around my heart gets crushed a bit more, as my love for you burrows in deeper. But if there was no hope for a future for us, why do we keep coming back for this pain?