I hope my words linger long enough, for you to remember what we meant to each other. Not to make your heart heavy, rather a little lighter on the days it seems to be weighing you down.
You deserve more than whiskey fueled dreams and clumsy kisses. More than someone who can’t make up her mind. You deserve cotton candy filled skies and moonlit nights. You deserve promises made with a tongue grazing your lips. You deserve wedding bells and diamond rings. You deserve a life filled with laughter and happiness. You deserve more than I can give you.
She comes to me in the dead night, while I slumber. “I love you.” slips for her mouth, exactly how I remembered it. This time I can spot the frayed ends all over the words. The punctuation so firm at the end of the sentence, I see the ending she began. Her love wasn’t meant to last a lifetime, perhaps mine wouldn’t have either. She will learn to move on, while I’m left to analyze the dreams from the time it all started to fall apart. Finding each small moment she started to slip away from me, one sentence at a time.
She said my I love you’s sound more like apologies, for not knowing how to hold on to another human being, long before I was gone. And that I always seemed like I had one foot out the door, ready to run at the first sign of trouble. I was never taught how to love without contingencies and trust was just a fantasy. To protect my heart, I learned how to say goodbye as quickly as I said hello. In my world people were temporary and you shouldn’t hold on to anything so tightly. But then you stayed and you wrapped your arm so tightly around me, I couldn’t flee. You always had a part of your body touching mine, as if to quell the doubts in my mind. Every time I tried to flee, you grabbed my hand and pulled me back. You taught me how to stay. This time I won’t run, because you are the only place I know where to run to.
I lost my passion, beneath these dark clouds. It avoids me in my searches. Life seems so empty without it. I think I left it inside of you. You must have taken it when you left me. I didn’t find it in the box of stuff you returned. Now I don’t have either of you.
In a world filled with distractions, sometimes I feel as though we occupy the same space, but we don’t really see or hear each other. Our thoughts are always being diverted towards a million other things. In this moment, I want you to see me. I want your undivided attention, if only for a blink in this timeline. I want you to hear me when I say I love you.
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What do you call the space that grows between two people? The space that starts off as unnoticeable, but with time can grow into a canyon? And what can you find in this space other than time and distance? Is it always filled with hatred and bitterness, or does it also have doses of indifference? How does this space become so wide, that times seems to passed with a blink of the eye and you have been without them longer than you ever spent next to them? How can some people be so important to you in one part of your life, and not even a speck in your existence in the next? Is this the doomed life we are force to live? Because my heart has been abused by these coming and goings and I don’t want this to get easier with time. Just tell me this distance won’t grow too big, because I can’t imagine a future without you in it, but I’m starting to sense the growing of space.